Love Can't be the best part of my Life

I took the exit from the place ...after telling him everything.

He told me .
                                   "She isn't coming back ", I am just wasting my time.
 
to which my reply was

                             " She was something good that happened in my life , 
                                   now i  don't want to feel the happiness in my life..
                               as i feel the hapiness contained or felt just deepens 
                                                      the pain caused from it. 
                                 Its an essential element of life but it has its side effects too.
                                  I fear the effects more than i endear the essentiality of it. "

Its inenvitable though its a surprise but 
                                            "Love can't be the best part of my life"

I move to a place alone, to be with myself for time...I think its just the only way to realize that its true and i can't do anything about it.

I  close my eyes....

I took her name.........

She placed her back on my back.....and we sat like strangers together , looking in two opposite directions , joined by some common past we share.

                                           " Shona , " i was about to start with my words
                                     to which i stopped when she interrupted to tell me

She said , 
          " I am not your shona , not anymore nor i was anyday of the past i shared with you, 
                                                  stop calling me that , as it irritates me
                                      to the extremes . As it binds me to your total nonsense"'

I gave her a fake smile hiding my feelings all under it , the pain her words gave , i tried covering them all with that smile, but my eyes weren't dry.
but i was not new to all this.

I told her that I Miss You .
She said , 
She was happy with him and i didn't mattered to her to be missed at all.

We sat like strangers not exchanging words nor even glances ...just were hearing each other's voice ...and indirectly replying each other.

She said ," when you don't have anything to talk , then i can't waste my time here sitting doing nothing."
"I am leaving then ," she added.

She stood up...to leave...
when my voice interrupted her steps moving forward.

Typically like you used to . You always asked me to be next you.
But you always said i never tried being next to you...
You never gave me the right to have much of your time....you always gave me that much time as it was required to keep your purpose ensured.

I always tried to beat my worst-side to be with you and spend as much time as possible ,
But you always left when he let me be with you. or he used to allow me when he could guess that you were about to leave.
and you always let down the request of mine to be there for a little more time.

Shona ,
you never gave me enough time , to tell you everything about myself.
So when you questioned the change in me, you actually got to know what i really was , not what the untrusting world turned me into.

So , you didn't had the right to question my feelings and call it an infatuation..
As you were right in guessing your side of the story but you had wrongly interpreted my feelings for you.

She moved ahead with the completion of the talk and she didn't looked back even once...

Never was Aware of It

"I can't blame her in all....neither your love nor your mutual friend...
I can't blame you...because i know all you did, what you had to..."

I moved out remembering small incidents from the time i shared with her,
and i blame myself for knowing everything as whenever i try and compare ..I lost everything in knowing everything.

Why you made him the part of all this ? he questioned....
who ? he ? i asked

Her love ...he replied..

You told me , i 'll loose her someday...

yes , i did ...he replied.

And  that day you said it , i'll loose her to curse...and the only reason that could save her was definitely not me.

I love her and will always . I just tried to know my value in her life.

The day you told me ....the curse was after her...and i still had time in ensuring her safety
the time that was important for me too...as i won't be spared by the curse too...

The curse had started showing signs ...with me thinking of  ways to end all this from my life.
I wanted her to be safe...but she wanted to stay.
I just thought  was i being selfish ...when i was trying to make her a part of a never-ending trouble
when this love was going to end someday.
I was a fool who believed love could carry out miracles...and would simply help me with a miracle or sort of to ensure her safety
but still it would leave an impact on her...
be it through my condition.

I thought it won't be fair , if this time passes by and it (the relationship) ends.
I would feel that i used her to get through it.
Even if she herself wanted to be a part of it.

While the life with him was really simple,
she would be so much happier than being with me.
Even he used to do a lot of things for her.
So i just envied him for all the reasons that made me realized at every point that i was cursed.
I can't do all those things ...that made  her smile and  the things that she valued.

All i could do was write ..messages , call her every now and then...
for everything i can't do , I blamed the curse...

I seriously started feeling that if she has to make a choice...someday in the future..
Then let it be that day...

I was fighting within myself for the decision i had made...

The promise i made to myself ..was that if she choose me...I ll be her love forever...and won't leave her.
But if she didn't , I 'll leave her to be with him forever.

I never had a reason to give her to be with me..but i thought i would find many when i would begin searching for them.
I thought i won't give her any reason that was her own to realize.
The only thing i thought i could try with was something even i valued in my life, the time spent with her...
I thought i could make her remember those special moments , as now we hardly could be like that
as we were just involved in my grievances or our quarrels.

I begin searching for those threads , those comments , those messages through which we shared so much about ourselves over the internet.
I realized that from past three-four months she hadn't been online much , or we didn't talked much over the internet.
I remembered  i once made her notice that thing , so she replied with she didn't felt like coming online...

But my search took me to some posts which were there over the internet but i never came to know.....
I was looking for something but i found something else....
and when i further carried my search , i found many of those....

So with all the moments that we shared , i kept those pieces of the moments not part of the puzzle too with them.
When i just asked her what it meant...
She had no answer...
If she would have given me the truth....i would have not asked her again.
But she kept me waiting ...but i still wanted an answer...

And i had my answer ...when i told her everything about me
and opened a way out of her life...
which she showed me ....when i asked her to make a choice between me and him.

Slowly -Slowly my steps moved backward ...and it widened the gap between us....

I didn't brought  him into the matter...she did with she never made me be aware of it...