Reminder from Life - I

Walking the road alone , i am still not out of  my weirdness that has made home

somewhere in me.

I am willingly unable to be with anyone .

her words still hit me pushing me back from a life to be

asking me " Was it just for her or I never wanted her ?"

I kept myself alone , just not to get influenced

as i believed i could find a reason to be with her among all the bad.

Out of all the things i lost ,
the promise that her love would accompany me till the end , was something that i never owned .
It always belonged to that Mr.Perfect who made her believe in himself .

 I was lost in my thoughts when someone intervened us .
I looked at him with surprise and asked me " How was  I?"
I gave him his reply though i was reluctant to replies now !!

The person who was in front of me was someone i knew as a classmate(at college).
and the person he referred to was someone i knew from my school days .

I really couldn't grab onto what was actually happening , i grew uncomfortable to the talks from his end.
To which his words inquired ,
" Don't want your friend to be with you now ?"

He helped me through times when i asked him but now i am not the person who he used to be friend with.
Maybe i am someone he shouldn't know for his own benefits .
I don't feel comfortable bring all the important points forward as an explanation to everything and everyone , just
to make them sure that i am not lying about it .

Here comes he .(the friend of mine)
Asks me its been a long time .
For some time , i just looked behind him
searching for someone or something.
You wouldn't believe i felt her presence in my life .
at that moment .

It made me go restless when my heart and mind diverged on coming to a conclusion about the presence or existence of something close to me.
he continued , but my heart ached for her absence there.

He put up some questions about my welfare
which i did answered  but i always looked around in search of her .

We discussed few things regarding here and there , and then he left .
When he left , i was over with that happiness that contained  me with an assumption she was with me all that while.

My mind did felt at odd , and my heart put forward a possibility that 

"was it her , who wanted to know about my well being through him"
 
He had not come specially to see me like this , to know my well being . Everything strengthened the possibility .

But the other side of me , dejected it making a point , that even if she made efforts to know about me through him .
 
It doesn't make any difference because it won't  change what all happened and won't open doors for her in my life.

They all Leave in the End !!

Sitting on a stairs .!!
I am lost to making my ends meet !
I am still not over her

maybe because i fail to believe in the cause of our separation
even now , when only her memories mark her presence in my life .
I am not able to meet her, call her , greet her .

I am revoked of the happiness , I think i had grabbed onto with her being a part of my life.

But now i fail to make a promising appearance in the world
which never fails to remind me of her !!
Like its someone who feels happy , seeing me looking for her face
in the crowd !!
Like a mad ,  i move to places unknowingly of the reason
what makes me go that way !!

I fear the curse , and don't want to anyhow initiate it again.
Nor i can live without seeing her .

I had promised him, i won't see her ever again .
he is someone who guides my path , saving me from curse i carry.
he doesn't wished for such a promise to make it easier for me, but for her.

he knows i can't be healed , never ever there will be  a possibility that i ll be fixed
for what all wrong happened .
He knows i have no other option , than to be FOREVER-ALONE.
That's the only way it seems to him , i can live a little happier life.

i am still struggling with reasons to hold onto this world
and he knows !!
The wounds the body carried have healed but the marks are still there.
They remind me of the circumstances i had to faced, bring back all those memories .
and i am lost to pain.

he came  and blessed me by putting his hand over my head.
and
He said , " I need to leave now , but i'll be back the next time you'll up with the curse !!"

I wasn't expecting this and was no words to give back as answer .
All i said  was , " You too are leaving , now i'll be alone"

With this i really felt , it was something that wasn't in my hand .
If i am meant to be alone , i can't change it .

I accompany him to the place he had to onboard from to  start his journey.

There was some time in his departure,
and he could rightly guess my situation.

He told me , you will get over it, trust me , you are brave enough to balance your life
with or without her memories.

I still couldn't feel right about myself . I feared  i'll break my promises .
I'll try and be with her . won't be able to forget her !!

Maybe i won't be there , when he comes back !!

He boards to start his journey !!.
and  he bade me GOODBYE 

Moving out of the place , after he left
I looked for a medium to reach my own place.

I was sure,
As I can't live alone but there is no alternative .
Because in the end , they would leave after knowing about the curse !!

Love Can't be the best part of my Life

I took the exit from the place ...after telling him everything.

He told me .
                                   "She isn't coming back ", I am just wasting my time.
 
to which my reply was

                             " She was something good that happened in my life , 
                                   now i  don't want to feel the happiness in my life..
                               as i feel the hapiness contained or felt just deepens 
                                                      the pain caused from it. 
                                 Its an essential element of life but it has its side effects too.
                                  I fear the effects more than i endear the essentiality of it. "

Its inenvitable though its a surprise but 
                                            "Love can't be the best part of my life"

I move to a place alone, to be with myself for time...I think its just the only way to realize that its true and i can't do anything about it.

I  close my eyes....

I took her name.........

She placed her back on my back.....and we sat like strangers together , looking in two opposite directions , joined by some common past we share.

                                           " Shona , " i was about to start with my words
                                     to which i stopped when she interrupted to tell me

She said , 
          " I am not your shona , not anymore nor i was anyday of the past i shared with you, 
                                                  stop calling me that , as it irritates me
                                      to the extremes . As it binds me to your total nonsense"'

I gave her a fake smile hiding my feelings all under it , the pain her words gave , i tried covering them all with that smile, but my eyes weren't dry.
but i was not new to all this.

I told her that I Miss You .
She said , 
She was happy with him and i didn't mattered to her to be missed at all.

We sat like strangers not exchanging words nor even glances ...just were hearing each other's voice ...and indirectly replying each other.

She said ," when you don't have anything to talk , then i can't waste my time here sitting doing nothing."
"I am leaving then ," she added.

She stood up...to leave...
when my voice interrupted her steps moving forward.

Typically like you used to . You always asked me to be next you.
But you always said i never tried being next to you...
You never gave me the right to have much of your time....you always gave me that much time as it was required to keep your purpose ensured.

I always tried to beat my worst-side to be with you and spend as much time as possible ,
But you always left when he let me be with you. or he used to allow me when he could guess that you were about to leave.
and you always let down the request of mine to be there for a little more time.

Shona ,
you never gave me enough time , to tell you everything about myself.
So when you questioned the change in me, you actually got to know what i really was , not what the untrusting world turned me into.

So , you didn't had the right to question my feelings and call it an infatuation..
As you were right in guessing your side of the story but you had wrongly interpreted my feelings for you.

She moved ahead with the completion of the talk and she didn't looked back even once...

Never was Aware of It

"I can't blame her in all....neither your love nor your mutual friend...
I can't blame you...because i know all you did, what you had to..."

I moved out remembering small incidents from the time i shared with her,
and i blame myself for knowing everything as whenever i try and compare ..I lost everything in knowing everything.

Why you made him the part of all this ? he questioned....
who ? he ? i asked

Her love ...he replied..

You told me , i 'll loose her someday...

yes , i did ...he replied.

And  that day you said it , i'll loose her to curse...and the only reason that could save her was definitely not me.

I love her and will always . I just tried to know my value in her life.

The day you told me ....the curse was after her...and i still had time in ensuring her safety
the time that was important for me too...as i won't be spared by the curse too...

The curse had started showing signs ...with me thinking of  ways to end all this from my life.
I wanted her to be safe...but she wanted to stay.
I just thought  was i being selfish ...when i was trying to make her a part of a never-ending trouble
when this love was going to end someday.
I was a fool who believed love could carry out miracles...and would simply help me with a miracle or sort of to ensure her safety
but still it would leave an impact on her...
be it through my condition.

I thought it won't be fair , if this time passes by and it (the relationship) ends.
I would feel that i used her to get through it.
Even if she herself wanted to be a part of it.

While the life with him was really simple,
she would be so much happier than being with me.
Even he used to do a lot of things for her.
So i just envied him for all the reasons that made me realized at every point that i was cursed.
I can't do all those things ...that made  her smile and  the things that she valued.

All i could do was write ..messages , call her every now and then...
for everything i can't do , I blamed the curse...

I seriously started feeling that if she has to make a choice...someday in the future..
Then let it be that day...

I was fighting within myself for the decision i had made...

The promise i made to myself ..was that if she choose me...I ll be her love forever...and won't leave her.
But if she didn't , I 'll leave her to be with him forever.

I never had a reason to give her to be with me..but i thought i would find many when i would begin searching for them.
I thought i won't give her any reason that was her own to realize.
The only thing i thought i could try with was something even i valued in my life, the time spent with her...
I thought i could make her remember those special moments , as now we hardly could be like that
as we were just involved in my grievances or our quarrels.

I begin searching for those threads , those comments , those messages through which we shared so much about ourselves over the internet.
I realized that from past three-four months she hadn't been online much , or we didn't talked much over the internet.
I remembered  i once made her notice that thing , so she replied with she didn't felt like coming online...

But my search took me to some posts which were there over the internet but i never came to know.....
I was looking for something but i found something else....
and when i further carried my search , i found many of those....

So with all the moments that we shared , i kept those pieces of the moments not part of the puzzle too with them.
When i just asked her what it meant...
She had no answer...
If she would have given me the truth....i would have not asked her again.
But she kept me waiting ...but i still wanted an answer...

And i had my answer ...when i told her everything about me
and opened a way out of her life...
which she showed me ....when i asked her to make a choice between me and him.

Slowly -Slowly my steps moved backward ...and it widened the gap between us....

I didn't brought  him into the matter...she did with she never made me be aware of it...

As To Why

Be it fate or anything...that make it a reason
that i am alive
I am all what i never wanted to be....

I am stagnant with my life not ready to move
i feel being cheated by everyone even the curse....
When everything was just as thought , then what made the fate change...

Why I am still alive ?
when everything i wanted ,either i lost or i left it uncared.

I am sitting next to him...The one who saw everything happen in  front of his eyes...
the one who helped me fight the curse..

Whenever i am next to him , i am full of questions which i put in front of him to have my answers...

he looked at me and said "You seem to have healed up from the wounds , curse gave you"
I passed a fake smile in reply to that..

I know what you are thinking ...but try and accept what you have ...you'll feel better.
he told me...

What should i accept ? when i have no reason..for anything

I have no reason for why she left me ??

Why my mutual friend failed to understand , that i didn't find her strong to be told about the curse, i didn't wanted to bother her
or make her be in any sorts of trouble all because of me ?

Why that guy who i used to call my friend , proposed her even when knowing how i felt about her ?
Have his feelings died now ? Is he all done ? Satisfied ? With whatever purpose he tried fulfilling with all that he did ?

Why she failed to understand that i just tried to ensure her safety...from the curse..?
I  just tried to figure out ways in which the curse could affect her...maybe i over-exaggerated the situations in ensuring her safety
but i tried to rescue the love of my life...

Maybe i fell prey to the game played by curse...as it chose me as the medium and not someone else...
But i still strongly felt that it was curse who made me turn against her ..
when that guy did what i didn't expected it from him.
and everything i saw or read about her and her Mr.Perfect, those conversations on thread or be it the whole drama of the B'Day.
i over-exaggerated it in fear of curse...

I don't know what was on her mind ...was she really using me up ?

You used to call me an animal ...all because of my instincts that caught the curse in situations it was part off.
i used to just be an animal in my ways either making the curse or the person involved back-out from the situations ..
Whatever i used to say ..when being an animal...i never used to apologize as i did them for their benefit and i never put that as a favor on them..but in case of her ..i did the unusual , i did apologize...even after making her know my condition...
to which she always took it to her heart...the words said in aggression just to ensure her safety...

Now if i could ask her ...as she never believed me at that time..
What happened to the feelings of that guy ..who proposed her ...was his feelings or love short-lived ?
I knew it would be short-lived , as i inferred it all to be a part of the show put up by the curse for me...
I warned her ..just not to fall for the situation and be a victim ...of the curse..
who knew my strength was her and only her...

Why i couldn't have her in my life ? When it was certain to have her presence for lifetime ?

I turned towards him ...directing all those questions to him...

He said.. Everything you said is correct in a way or the other...but
the answers to all your questions won't be of any matter ...to you
they would just hurt you whenever you would think of them ...it won't be of any help.

I didn't stopped myself from knowing ...everything ,then maybe this is something atleast i deserve...

You are alive all because the curse may have not found it valuable to cause death to you..as in the end you were ready for it
and eagerly wanted it...curse is selfish with these matters ..he never gives you what you eagerly wants instead gifts you what you fear the most...
This is what i think about it ..it maybe true or not , as no-one can judge the decisions of the curse...

Even i cant give you the reason...for why she left ...its all because and according to her own willingness..

Coming to the question about that guy...then i think you made a wrong choice in believing in that kind of person...who don't value someone's else feelings...and do things in order to hurt others...

But in the past he never did anything like that...to me or be it anyone...that made me look suspiciously at everything that was taking place.
i added..

Its difficult to separate the actual personality of a person with the personality influenced by the curse...
how can you be sure ? that person was not of that kind , who wouldn't do such thing...
Just don't make your decisions blindly just on the basis of the curse...

The reason she may have left you could be...you blindly believed in her ...blaming curse for everything..
and she left ..when she was all done with you and didn't find you anymore useful...
The situations ...point in this direction too...
as you can't give any reason ...as you don't want to be blamed
and you can tell other that he was going through a tough time...and i can't bear his nonsense..
everyone would believe her and not you...

When it was certain...it signifies possibility and it is not definite...
So it equals the possibility of you not being alive ...still you are
so it was certain but it didn't happened...
Maybe you are saved ..as she may have never understood you and your condition , and it may have hurted more if she would have
left you with the curse...on its arrival.

Why you are telling me all this ? discussing everything with me ?
You trust me right ? that i'll give you a sound advice...or make you understand the situations..so that they don't affect you.

I don't blame the mutual friend...maybe she wanted you trust her with everything...
and she didn't understand what her friend had known and she didn't ..even if she had known you more than her.

The girl you love may have assumed all your truth as lies ..as she may have failed to understand why you had only told her and your mutual friend didn't knew anything ...it makes her not trust you even when she wants to...
I can't blame her in all....neither your love nor your mutual friend...

I can't blame you...because i know all you did, what you had to...

"Unable to Move On..."

Sitting somewhere is me , all by myself and a handful of memories
left by her ..

I just keep on rewinding them , just to be assured she was there...
as everything she said in the end ....left me nothing to offer

With the curse over now...its return is yet years to pass by

I survived it , but the realization of everything costed me my senses, the need to be around everyone
and even maybe everything my life held onto in her absence....

I am there ....realizing her dreams...
as if i was re-living those moments again...

Suddenly a boy ...comes from now-where and sits beside me.......
a small-kid....must be in the playway ofcourse...

He seemed upset , annoyed from something .
I could not see him like that ...so started a conversation with him..

What's your name boy ?
He first looked at me.....and then asked me "Did you forgot me "?

Sorry i replied, my memory isn't helping me with remembering people these days.....
Forgive me...

Its okk, Btw I am your heart..

What ?
I thought he joked at first...
But then he just let me know everything..about me

I replied.." That everyone knows..as i blog about it , you must have read my blog..and got to know all this."

he told me everything i haven't told anyone.....yet

then i had to believe it .

Why are you here ?? i asked in my own anxiety...and why in this form?

you thought of something i don't agree to, so thought i should separate myself from you...

What ? i didn't thought anything of that sort , that you may disagree to.

You did , he replied...
You thought of moving on in life, leaving everything behind.....
Her memories..
and everything related to her......

I don't have a choice ...she has moved on ..and now i am forced to..
i replied...

So, what if she has...her heart must have allowed her , her feelings for you must have died..
but i am not ready, i still await her....and your feelings haven't died yet.....

But i will now...as i don't want to be around her ...
affecting her in any way.....i was all left alone to fight the curse...
if the curse would have done anything wrong to me or to anyone..
what would i have left with ...i had to keep myself alone for all that time..
knowing that i'll loose everything.

Whatever be your reason, i respect that
but i am still awaiting her ...no matter what.

I moved from the bench  to down on my knees , to make him understand ....

I did all what i could do.
Agreed to all what you said ,
believed in everything you said ..that she is not the one who could be mean and call upon all that
, she couldn't cheat someone..

And i even waited for her , for six months ...by being around her
and again some time more by being totally absent from her life......
as she asked me to.
But she didn't returned ...
if she had to, she must have....

Maybe you won't have tried ....and she must have been waiting for you to try atleast once.....
I'll try.....
and i am not going anywhere without her.....

I asked him again, Are you coming with me ??
He moved away ..as i stretched my hand towards him....

i asked him to listen to me.....
"okay tell me what would you do ?"
to bring her back...."
even i need to know the reason like what are you upto, to decide if its worth staying.

he thought for a while .....
and said " I don't know.."

I looked at him and smiled...

But atleast i'll try ....i can ask my friends(other hearts) to help me reach her heart...
Maybe i can make her heart understand and make it believe in my words
and can make her comeback....he said..so excitedly..

That means you are not coming with me.....?
i inquired him again

No , he replied...

i started walking away.....as i felt helpless in making him understand.

after moving some distance , i hide behind a tree.....

unable to see me ..around
heart felt a little restless....

I was eying on him....from a distance.....

In a while, i saw him crying
i felt bad and walked back to him...

Seeing me ...he just huggged me.....
and said " Everyone leaves me alone, when its even not my fault.
I fell in love as its not under my control , but they can stay and not leave when the wish to stay or leave is
all under their control.

I wiped the tears falling down from his eyes.....
and
said " I promise you i won't move on until you ask me to "

"We would try and bring her back "...he added.

he hugged me....
and was happy...

But only i understood the importance of the promise i made to him...
I gave it all ...for the happiness for him(my heart).